I suppose it’s no surprise if I tell you that these blog posts are all just the tips of us, clues as to what lies beneath. Kyle and I’ve spent a good portion of the past week talking/texting/messaging/talking more. There’s no time to write it all up, and probably no audience for it even if we did, although I do think we’re DAMN funny when we talk, even when it’s hard, so y’all are missing out.
There were a few points that bear repeating, though. Some of what we were talking about boils down to shame, and how destructive it can be. Despite all that, people seem to love it, especially when the world turns upside down. As we go careening off the deck of an already-sinking ship, flying wildly towards the water, you’d think we’d all know to grab a life preserver instead of a thick, heavy ball of shame. But we hold onto that shame until we end up at the bottom, staring towards the surface with no idea of how to get back up again. Worse, as we’re sliding and falling, other people toss us great wads of shame, too, out of habit, because it’s what we were taught and they were taught, as far back as anyone can remember.
I’ve been there, once or twice. Sometimes the shame comes wrapped up in pretty paper, and sometimes it’s slipped inside a helpful compliment, but it definitely seems to be the gift of choice when one’s personal world is imploding.
It could be misplaced pride, or foolishness, but my ocean’s simply become too deep for gifts like that. I was down for a long time, and I had a lot of time to think. I have a kick-ass therapist and two loving, beautiful souls in my life, and there just isn’t any energy left to hold onto shame.
There’s no shame in being hurt.
There’s no shame in having feelings.
Sometimes we do things we regret, sometimes we hurt people, and those are times for apology. But feelings – well, they may be weird and uncomfortable, but they’re one of the few things in life that are truly yours. There’s no shame in being you. At least there’s no shame in being me. I won’t tell you how to live your life, of course, because I know so many people who are wrapped around their shame like a cruel lover they can’t get enough of. But when you’re ready, you can leave. Shame offers the comfort of experience and acceptance, but you’ll never know how heavy and dark it feels until you let go.
I regret that I can’t open my mind to poly sex. I know exactly how lucky I am that it’s been offered freely, and I know how many people would LOVE to switch places. I would really like to be ok with it, but I’m not. Regret? Yes. Sadness? Yes. Shame? No, Sir.
Over the past year, I’ve been a lot less careful with my feelings than I usually am, and I’ve found myself in deep emotional conversations with near strangers, just because I was so close to bursting when they happened to be there. It’s easy to feel embarrassed and foolish for letting go like that, at least for me, but I’ve been trying to remember all the times people have opened up to me, and how good it feels to be trusted and be able to help. Am I grateful to these strangers? Yes. Am I human? Yes. Am I ashamed? No.
You might not be able to tell, but I’m a bit loud and opinionated in “real” life. (I’m sure it’s quite a surprise, actually. Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
) Sometimes I’ll say something that pushes the boundaries and makes folks uncomfortable and people will cluck their tongues and shake their heads. Sometimes it’s hard to deflect all the shame that comes my way from other people, especially folks in my family. Those are the dangerous moments. Imagine the world if we refused to be hushed, and refused to be reprimanded for having thoughts. Dangerous? Yes. Powerful? Yes. Ashamed? Fuck no.
(I love to swear, too. Another surprise.)
For 2 years in college, I walked home alone at night, sometimes very late at night. We’re talking 200 or 300 times. One of those times a group of boys attacked me. Was I hurt? Yes. Angry? Yes. Scared? Yes, for weeks and weeks. Ashamed? At the time – yes. It’s taken decades to sort through the shame I pulled down with me, but now? None. We are not the sum total of what is done to us.
We are not the world around us or the people we hate or love.
We are what we hold sacred. We are our footprints. We are the brilliance and compassion of our love.
We are beautiful, precious creatures who make mistakes and sometimes hurt each other and sometimes feel foolish for our choices. We carry gods within us, but we are not gods. We are human, we are ridiculous, we are lovable and we are frequently more of heat than light. We are fierce and funny and imperfect and clumsy. We are strength and humility and fight and sorrow. We forget, and we forgive, because each of us is a work in progress.
And there is no shame in that.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
