Saturday I did a very difficult thing – I asked Kyle to release me from His collar. It was a hard thing to ask, and a hard thing to want, but it was still the right thing for me.
I’m struggling to put everything into words here, because the feelings are all tumbling over and around one another so that it’s hard to find the beginning or end to it all. My summer – the past 3, 5, 12 years, really – was full of fear and powerlessness. I struggled to find my footing and my rights, as I am still struggling now. My relationship with Kyle is wonderful, but the archetype of being collared was not sitting comfortably in my mind. Right now, I need to own me, because even that has been elusive. When I am in a better place, I will be able to give myself to others without losing myself in the process – really, BDSM should add to you, your life and your image of yourself, not take away, but I’m not there yet.
Nothing is lost, though. I still love Kyle very, very much. The moments of play and deep passion are still with me, in my heart and my memory. I don’t do this to forget, and I don’t do this to escape. I do this as a symbol of the strength I am still working to manifest.
But, of course, there are other elephants in this room. It is hard to be so far from Kyle and it is hard to share. It is impossible to want something that hurts so much. I’m still struggling with what poly means and whether I can live it honestly, without breaking myself or everyone around me in the process, but, in a surprising flash of synchronicity, another blogger is going through many of the same struggles I am, although writing about them with far more skill. I shouldn’t be surprised, I suppose, but I had always assumed she was one of those cool kids who played well with others, without fighting off jealousy and fear. It’s terrible and wonderful to be in the same boat, as it were, although part of me is really hoping that she works out a solution – maybe a wand we can all wave to make us into cool kids, too.
But, still, the world turns. I am ecstatic about the election last night, even though a few California measures went very badly. On the whole, it was a sweeping success and a demonstration that the world isn’t ending, the way it was looking just a few weeks back. It won’t be easy to move past some of the more hurtful, hateful rhetoric, but at least there’s hope for a brighter future.
Goodnight, luvvies. May you have beautiful, passionate dreams.
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Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
