I was joking with my cousin the other day that, with everything that’s happened over the past ten years, I’m now well-certified as a tour guide for the apocalypse. Eventually everyone I know goes through their own, private apocalypses, and it’s nice to talk to someone else who’s been there, because we’re the ones who know that it’s not all pretty butterfly quotes and inspirational speakers – it’s visceral and angry and often quite desperate.
One of the first things I talk about when people ask about mine, is that, when the world is ending and you just can’t take it anymore,
You can lie down and wait to die, but, eventually, it gets boring, just waiting.
Eventually, you get back up again and get on with life. The sun comes up even when you don’t want it to, and then you’ve got a whole day to survive before lying down again.
To get through the hardest moments, I cut out a picture of Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor and re-imagined myself at the end of the world. There’s something about having nothing to lose that makes living a bit more tolerable when things get really rough. And knowing that someone else is there with you, howling and railing at an empty sky, is a great comfort, no matter how fictional they may be.
The other thing I did to keep myself going was to collect a soundtrack for my apocalypse. Songs that speak, without wallowing, to the tragedy and the slow, deep anger, with a thorough understanding that none of us lives in a Hallmark movie. Songs for those of us who make it out a little bit broken and a lot changed, and know the difference between winning and mere survival.
My go-to for this kind of song (ok, for all music) had always been metal – Symphony of Destruction (Megadeath) comes to mind, as well as the entire Master of Puppets album (Metallica). Dio and Iron Maiden are a bit too hopeful for this, sadly, and I always got the feeling that AC/DC was too busy being irreverent to ever actually feel. NIN, some of Disturbed – excellent choices. Of course, there’s always Rage Against the Machine and System of a Down if you’re looking for music that knows all the shortcuts through Hell. No, not all metal, but still, music that screams and snarls.
Thing is, sometimes you’re too beaten down for anything loud, so I found myself searching for something softer. Luckily for me, a number of women and transmen came into my life right about then, and brought with them a whole new catalog of music. Girlyman, Melissa Etheridge, Indigo Girls, Ferron…suddenly, for the first time, I was listening to folk and pop, and I found the softness I was craving.
The first track on my Soundtrack is Anna Nalick’s Breathe (2 a.m.) I found a video of her explaining a little about the song first – it’s not the best version of the song, sadly, but still good to hear a little of the backstory.
I hope it helps you through today’s battles, if only as a reminder that we’re all in it together, and none of us has a magic wand.
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